My pencil is longer than yours.

 In case you've regretfully failed to absorb my previous posts, I will re-mention in passing that I currently teach elementary and junior high school in rural Japan.

As part of my daily duties, I check the English in students' workbooks. This week, a full page of chicken-scratch was dedicated to the repetition of the sentence,

"My pencil is longer than yours."

... and the birds sang, and the clouds parted, and the Sean grimaced.

When, pray tell, in the history of Anglophonic societies, have students spun from their desks as the teacher was turned and spurted, "My pencil is longer than yours!"?

"Ouch. Zing! I can't believe I kept this sucker so sharp. I should have known it was the length that mattered. Stupid. Stupid!"

Regardless of actual usage, these educationalists have determined this sentence's importance. And the Sean was baffled. Particularly because I have frequented Japanese onsens (natural hot spring [only experienced in the buff]) and I know for a fact that, no, none of your pencils are longer than mine. No matter how many times you repeat it. Am I boasting? No. This is not a "luck of the draw" scenario, there is no luck involved in fact. Whereas, in the ole U-S-o-Momma-effin-A it is a real crapshoot (one infrequently determined during a drunken skinny-dip or a horribly awkward team shower), here in the Land of the Rising Sun I can assuredly sip from my green tea, knelt before the table, flop open my notebook, get a firm grip on my stiff wooden instrument, and fluidly impress,

"My pencil is longer than yours. My pencil is longer than yours. My pencil is longer than yours..."

-SW

Movies Not Real Enough For You?

Then check out these amazing titles in the breathtaking clarity of Blu-ray!

I went back and visited each one of these films over the weekend and I can tell you.

What the HELL was I thinking with DVD!
This is the ONLY way to watch a movie
Period.

-JC

rant on subway

Whilst traveling home late last night, I was privy to a pretty excellent rant by a homeless (person)

To save time, I've created the following naming convection index

* = @^%
** = @^$#
***= &$*@( your mother

*2= *$(@$(ER
**2= Barbra Walters
***2= @$#^%@*@)!

X3: The Movie= (@(k
XX3= "with one of those long metal spoons you only find at the Gourmet Chef"

"**2 * ***2 * **3 ** X3 *3which I think is related to vertigo** ** XX3*** **no, Vertigo the country **** * ** * * on top of the Empire State Buil** * XX3* * **X*I have never used a Luffa in my life!** * **x3** * **six or seven times, rat hair-X3** **2 ** **not in Morrissey's America** * **2 * * * * * * that's not a bubble* ** * ***2 X2 aint' gonna' fit* ** * X2** listening to Shaggy in the bathtub* ** **X2*** in glorious streams of goldenrod and gold."

I'll finish the rest pretty soon, I just can't figure out code for Congestion Pricing.

SPOILER ALERT!

So I went to the movies this past weekend and caught that new flick 10,000 B.C. I know I titled this little essay, "SPOILER ALERT!" Well here's the spoiler: this movie is fucking awesome! I gotta say, I was really blown away by this film. I didn't even regret the fifteen dollars I spent on the ticket at all! The special effects were flawless. The mammoths looked exactly like they do on my Gameboy Advance. The score was impeccable. I mean, it was really emotional when that girl died or something. The editing was fast-paced and really moved the story along. I hardly noticed that the film barely hit feature length qualifications. But most of all, the acting was beyond any sort of motion picture performance I have ever seen.


I never have to go to the movies again. Thanks 10,000 B.C.!

- AJ

Justin's 128th Download

A few notes


I saw a link that said "Watch Amateur Moms Gets Fisted"
I think after the first time you "take" a fist, you should be considered a professional.

When I was 15 my mom found a VHS porno in my backpack. Concerned she asked,
"Hardcore, is that when they kill the girls?"
To which I calmly responded, "Only when they're bad, mom."

Common among adolescent boys is a self-satisfying ritual nicknamed "the stranger"

Without going into detail, it's rarely pleasing and often unnerving to receive a hand job from an actual stranger.

-JC

Beating me over the head

When Hollywood makes a discover, they really try and grind it into you. First a show, comedy specials, and now it's a Video Game?

All right, all right we get it. Jeff Foxworthy is dumber then a 5th Grader, lay off 'im.





-JC

Confucius say…

Man who misconstrues sarcasm…

“Wow, I love it when mothers spank their children in public.”

Stands as unrecognized pedophile.

-JC

Things to Pack for the Weekend

1) Duct Tape (six-roll pack available at Duane Reade 2-for-1 special!)
2) Glue (make sure it's stuff that only tears apart)
3) Car Battery (two if possible)
4) Dog Bowl (metallic only)
5) Hungry Man dinner w/ chicken (seven boxes)
6) Long chain (three)
7) Leather mask (preferably w/ zipper mouth)

Okay, looking at this list I'm sure you're assuming I'm going to some sort of bondage camp for the weekend or something. Well I can assure you that that's not the case. How could you think I would do perverted shit like that? I'm not into weird sex!


8) Don't forget "I'm Into Weird Sex '08" t-shirt!!!


















Okay fine.

- AJ

A Real Half Court Zinger!

Please make this movie be like that Monte Cristo sandwich my uncle was eating right before his heart attack.



You know, the one that killed him.

-JC

Best Birthday Present Ever!

Ahoy hoy to the armies of webheads religiously checkin' our site (Steve's sister). Just a quick note to let you all know what your daily doctors of buffoonery have been up to. 

Last weekend, in anticipation of our upcoming website launch (huge) the four of us decided to go on a team-building excursion. Since I currently call Japan my cribby we had to find a convenient geographical location. We wound up agreeing on Yonkers, NY because Justin doesn't have a car and Andrew didn't get off work til after 5 on Friday. I was fine with Yonkers because rapping artiste DMX is from there, and he reminds me a lot of Ja Rule (who I love).

What an enriching experience! I won at Trust Falls 5-0 against Steve, we got into a human knot in no time, and our midnight game of Truth or Truth had us all in the nude within seconds. But the best moment came as a real surprise to yours truly. And for it, I have to once again send my heartfelt thanks to all the guys.

Now as many of you know, I was an accident. But what may come as a surprise to you is that my parents tried to cancel my delivery. Unfortunately for them I was a lil trooper and prevailed! As a sort of eff you to the ole rents I was born a twin. My better half, Reggie Weiner, lived for only 8 months. Ever since his passing I have felt a sincere lack. 

That problem is now solved. As we gathered up Schlitz cans on Sunday morning Andrew handed me a well-ventilated cardboard box. On the top it read, "For the family." As I flipped back the top I saw a porcelain spiral. At the shell's end were a few tiny red nubs. Tied around it was a string and tag that read, "Hey Sean. I've missed you." Reggie was back.  

To have Reggie the Hermit Crab by my side has made the world sparkle again. People say hermit crabs don't do anything. Well, neither do 8-month-old babies. 

And the funny thing is, I don't know how the guys did it, but every now and then Reggie moves to a new shell. And when he's crawling naked across the gravel, he looks exactly as I remember him. 

Thanks guys. Best birthday present ever. 

-SW

Taglines to Movies That Should Never Exist

"An uproarious apartheid adventure!"

"One Night. Six Trannies. Two Condoms. What would you do?"

"The incredible true story of the most beloved PBA Champion of all time."

"Euthinasia has never been this much fun!"

"What If You Had A Universal Remote... That Controlled Your Universe?

"Something bitchin' this way comes..."

-SS

History's Biggest Oscar Snub

As Oscar night rapidly approaches (TOMORROW! NIGHT! HOLY! SHIT!) I would like to take a moment to address the snubs; those performances that were overlooked or ignored when nomination time came around. For example, many people thought Anthony Perkins should have been nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Norman Bates in Psycho. Still others felt that Cary Grant should've been nominated for Philadelphia Story. The list of overlooked performances goes on and on, however I firmly believe that I have pinpointed the biggest Oscar snub in the history of this stupid, self-serving, self-sucking award ceremony.

That's right:

Terry Kiser in Weekend at Bernie's.

Now you're probably asking yourself one question: "Andrew," you're asking, "don't you mean Weekend at Bernie's was snubbed all together? What about a Best Picture nomination?" The answer I give you is: No. No one should ever acknowledge Jonathan Silverman's work as 'best' anything. Don't try to tell me what I mean. I know what I mean.

Terry Kiser is a gem in this little film. He's not just the hilarious, rotting corpse the film is known for. He's also devilish when he's playing Bernie while he's still alive. The way he dastardly tricks Silverman and Andrew McCarthy into coming out to his beach house to kill them is just spine-tingling! This level of villainy is up there with legends like Robert De Niro in This Boy's Life or Robert De Niro in Cape Fear or even Robert De Niro in Backdraft!

Terry Kiser was not nominated for an Oscar for his daring, heartwarming, scary, intelligent, comedic, erotic role. For that I can only say "shame" on the Academy for this grandiose oversight. The only solace I can find in all of this is that Kiser was eventually able to bounce back (and the Academy was able to come to their senses!) and garner a nomination when, in 1993, he reprised his role as Bernie Lomax in the rom-com Weekend at Bernie's II; proof that people can make mistakes and in turn make up for them.

Oscar snubs happen every year guaranteed. Many feel that Keira Knightley was snubbed this year for her performance in Atonement. Hopefully next year the Academy will fix this large error and nominate her for the sure-to-be-grand performance in Atonement II: I Still Don't Give a Fuck.

- AJ

Outguess Justin: 2008 Oscars

Here’s your chance…

Best Snack for the Open Monologue:

a) Kraft block of Cheese

b) Sun Chips

c) Soup (eaten from can)

d) Tuna (eaten from can)

Though I usually go for the upbeat audience pleaser, Sun Chip’s long history of solid complimentary performances, see Hoagie in Bryant Park (2005) makes it the masterful munchie of this year’s very close race. Plus, items eaten from the can often cancel each other out.

Best Come-Back when Diablo Cody talks like Juno during her acceptance speech:

a) Weren’t you a stripper?

b) Jack Nicholson said you were a bitch on TMZ.

c) Pussy Ranch “My blog is more graphic and self-indulgent then your blog!”

d) Watching pregnant 16-year-olds barf turns me on.
Thank you.

Here’s where my heart takes over.
Coupling dying star power, see The Bucket List (2008) and powerhouse sludge reporting is more then enough to knock out the Indie gem Latent Pedophilia (2007). Plus “The Worlds First Comedy Based Blog (2008) never got wide release.
(that’s what she said)

Best Original Song:

a) “Once”

b) "Enchanted"

c) "Enchanted"

d) "Enchanted"

e) “August Rush”

August Rush because it reminds the Academy of a time when they make more money. See, Lost a Bet to Tracey Ullman in Nineteen-Ninety-Six ALSO John Waters’ Blown Everyone (In Production)

-JC

Seriously?

"Crap, how do we pull this campaign out of the gutter?"

"Shhh, all you need is a ten-gallon hat and a racial slur on sign."

BILLARY '08

-SW

Let's Hear it for White People!

I want to start out by saying that I respect and celebrate Black History Month as much as the next guy, but usually around day 19 it starts to irk me how quick people are to forget just how wonderful and special white people really are. Granted, we've been responsible for some of history's greatest atrocities but can't that be said about most races? (I'm looking at YOU Australian Aboriginies). I guess my point is let's not let the bad outweigh the good. I want you to ask yourself, where would we be without white people?

Read a good Mitch Albom book lately? Thank a white person!

Did you happen to find that pefect pair of khakis at the Gap? Thank a white person!

Have you ever been stuck behind a queer-ass electric car? No, you say? Thank a white person!

So, the next time Two and a Half Men has you in stitches, take a moment to realize and respect how far we've come as a culture and who we have to thank for that.

-SS

Let the Internet find the Funny for you!

As something not entirely dissimilar to performance art (SEE: sliding in mayonnaise in tighty-whities because owls are dying) I have fashioned a formula for funny:

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day + Google Image Search of said word = LOL ROFL LMAO!!!

And away we go...

sine qua non \sin-ih-kwah-non; -NOHN; sy-nih-kway-\, noun: An essential condition or element; an indispensible thing

-SW

Burn that Filth!

I was on an empty N train yesterday going downtown to find a flashy pair of shoes. I was hoping to find one with flames, or maybe a skull and crossbones type thing. Those designs were sure to make me look pretty alternative. The store I was going to was way downtown so I had time to kill on the subway. So there I was reading and minding my own business when I notice this girl giving me a look. As I said before, the train was empty so I could tell that this hate-filled glare was meant for me. My initial thought was that my fly was down. I had rushed out of the house to make the train. So I checked my interlocked crotch protector and found it zipped up tight--or at least tight enough.

So I decided that the only way to break this stare was to flat out ask her why she was looking at me. So I say, "Excuse me, is there something I can help you with?" She responded with,

"I'm sorry, I'm just too offended to speak to you right now."

"Well," I said, "if you don't tell me what I'm doing wrong then I'm afraid I'm just going to keep doing it."

"I'm just offended by you're book," she said. I looked down at my book.

"You're offended by Eastern European cinema?" I asked sarcastically.

"No, I don't even know what that means. But I am offended by the cover. Why is that girl naked? I find that very piggish."

"Piggish?" I replied. "I think you're just taking the picture out of context. It's just a random screen capture from a film. It's not meant to be dirty or anything. Please notice there is also a man playing a violin next to her."

"Exactly, the man is alive and playing his phallic violin and the woman is dead, naked, and probably raped."

"Phallic violin?" I asked. Then I said, "What can I do to make you not offended?"

"Well, for starters you can put some sort of cover over your book."

"I could do that. I'll stop reading right now and not pick this book up again until I've covered up this photographic injustice." She looked at me approvingly and said, "Thank you. That's a step in the right direction." I then asked,

"Just out of curiosity, what are you reading there?" She looked at me and smiled.

"It's just something my girlfriend read in like a day." Then she holds up this book. In bold, neon-green letters, the cover read:

SLUT: OR HOW A COLLEGE FRESHGURL HOOKED HER WAY THROUGH MED SCHOOL

- AJ

United We Stand

Haha... yeah, that's... that's funny. So, you know how I'm like an English teacher? You know, in like, the southern rural Japanese island of Kyushu or wherever? Yeah. So, this one student who I hate. I mean, I don't hate just one student. He asks a teacher how to say the word, "sex" in English. And the teacher hands him a electronic translator (Fine Japan, solve every problem with a gadget!) Well, after a very telling 15 minutes with the gizmo he approaches my lunch table, where I am eating a large bowl of dried fish and nuts, and says, "You and your girlfriend are united." And I think, "He's sweet, even mildly poetic." A smile curls at my mouth's corners jettisoning a couple curled minnows from the left side. Then, unhappy with my reaction, he puts his index finger repeatedly through a hole made by his other hand. "United Sean? Yeah, yeah!" he twitters. I chew my fish and nuts and blink.

Later in the day while lamenting my geographically-dictated segregation, I realize that in my mildly short life I have flown Sex Airlines, hail from the States of Sex, and when my grandfather used to root for the Baltimore Colts he rooted for Johnny Sex Us (and back then safe uniting was the taboo). I look up from the linoleum floor and am just like, "United Yeah!"   

-SW

Fuck Fantasy

I'm not rich by any means, but I am not poor either. One of the things I do on top of writing and selling my toes out on Saturday nights, is some bit acting.

Last Friday afternoon I went to an audition down on 39th Street. I get downtown to the practice space where I was told by my agent that the audition was for some sort of fantasy film like The Lord of the Rings trilogy or Rush Hour. Now normally I wouldn't go to auditions like this one. The roles I usually go after are ones like 'the big party animal' or 'the drunk friend' or 'Perve Inmate #23545765' (catch me on Law and Order SVU next month.) However, the character I was auditioning to play this time was some sort of dwarf or battle elf or something. I honestly can't tell you what the character was really supposed to be as I hate fantasy and never read books where I need a glossary to explain an entire character's genealogy to me before I can complete the third chapter. The last few months had been very tight and February is one of the eleven months out of the year I eat and drink to great excess--stupid July--and I needed a big payday badly.

Anyway, I get there and they tell me that if I were to get the role, my character would be 100% CGI. I was going to have to wear one of those suits and just act out the movement of my character like some sort of fucking skin puppet. The casting agent told me that I had the right build to play the role, but she wanted to see how mobile I would be with the suit on.

Next thing I know I'm standing in a hot room in Midtown Manhattan, sweating like a pig in front of the casting couch with balls all over my face. I had balls on my chin, balls on my neck, balls on my chest...even balls on my ass.

So I start doing the scene: I'm pretending to wave this big sword and yelling at a fake dragon. Honestly, sometimes I can hear life laughing at me. Regardless, I finish wagging my sword around in front of these people and I seemed to keep all my balls in tact while jumping up and down and doing forward rolls and stuff.

The casting couch representatives seemed pleased and slightly aroused so I felt I had done my job. I took off the skin-tight suit and left politely. I told myself that I didn't want any of the guys to know I was in a fantasy film if I got the role. They all understand that being a writer is a tough business and to keep afloat we all do what we can to make rent each month. However some things are just too humiliating. I would be the inspiration behind countless sketches and humorous essays if the guys found out. As I sat quietly at a Jamba Juice pondering my next potential career move I made the decision that if I got the role in this film, I would just tell all my friends that I was doing porn again.

Later that afternoon I got a call from my agent. I wound up not getting the role. Apparently the casting director didn't like that I said my lines with a Russian accent. Apparently the elf that I was auditioning for was to speak with a Turkish accent. She said that everybody knows in fantasy films that dragons are the only characters with Russian accents and that I should've been more prepared and done my fantasy homework.

Balls.

- AJ

The Google Universe is Expanding

(Note: all dates and details have been smudged to protect my ignorance.)

Just as local direction-giving organization, the NYPD has recently acquired the right to carry guns (but not to use them), the Web’s own “Sheriff In Town” has expanded it’s arsenal of front line, hyper-intuitive software.

I give you Postini © 1999.

“With Postini, your company is protected against increasingly malicious internet-based attacks. Your compliance is ensured for government, industry, and internal mandates; and you can re-establish increased productivity for your users.”

True to their word, I do feel safer from “internet-based attacks” but I have to say, increased productivity? (I actually said it out loud) Not with all these amazing features!

"With it's robust option set go for throat of “Get Rich” quick schemes, but feel free to let just a little of that “Sexually Explicit” material on through. Wanna see what these quacks are getting at? With a fully customizable interface you can give a marginally lenient rating to incoming “Racially Insensitive” material while still showing ill-intention entrepreneurs you want none of what their selling by stopping "Special Offers" dead in their cyber-tracks."

Google's recent purchase really shows the laissez-faire(French goes in italics, right?) attitude they've adapted towards the ebb and flow of the Web. Allowing the internet to forge gallantly along, while following quietly behind. Postini © 1999 Now from Google!

Google, squire to the Internet.

-JC

More Topical Internet Humor!

[applause]

"Thank you, thank you, it's great to be back in Peoria. 

Anybody have the internet? [applause] Yeah, me too, me too. Who's got AIM? [more raucous applause] Ha ha! That's like everybody in here! I mean, that pregnant lady over there... I was like, "Who's got AIM?" and I swear to God I heard her stomach echo, "Yeah I got that!" [laughter] 

Anyways, I've got AIM, and you know what I hate most about AIM? No, it's not the bloop bloop sound every time you're chatting with someone. And no, it's not the surprise attack from some buddy you don't remember adding. And, it's not even the fact that this program is single-handedly responsible for bringing the word, "buddy" back into our daily usage. [laughter] No, no, no, the thing I hate most about AIM are the cutesy suggestive Away Messages [scattered laughs and a single cough].

You know the ones! The ones announcing to the virtuworld, 'Hey guess what I've been up to?' while safely hiding behind a feigned veil of mystery. For example, here's one, IMAQT 6472: '1st of many, wink icon' [winks in a hilarious imitation, crowd goes absolutely bananas]. Or, 2hot2trot483: 'Am I supposed to still be smiling, smily face, three question marks' [another imitation, another boisterous response]. It just kills me to read this! It's like shouting across a crowded subway car to a girl listening to her Ipod, 'And I thought magic wasn't true dot dot dot!' Chances are she doesn't even hear you, too busy listening to her illegally downloaded Shins albums and 'windows-shopping' for something cute [solid fit of laughter and applause, they're a bit tired because this is all so very funny]. 

That's why I'm on AIM right now. VANESSACARLTONROX24: If you ever try that again I swear to God I am calling the cops. [Uproarious boom of merriment.]

Thank you very much. Good night!"

[applause that seem as though they will never end]

-SW

This Just In!

Nothing says, "Wicked gay" like Republican Leadership.

McCain '08

-SW

What Does That Say?

So I was walking down Houston street when a very nice NYU undergraduate came up to me holding up a big sign that said, "Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"

Impervious to most sign waving, I didn't think much of this and I continued on my original quest -- the search for that knish place around the East side of Houston.

After a few feet (and one Diet Peach Snapple purchase later) I came across another young fellow, this time with a giant sign that read, "Down with Palestine!"

I looked at these two people who couldn't have been more than ten feet away from each other.

"Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
"Down with Palestine!"
"Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
"Down with Palestine!"
"Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
"Down with Palestine!"

Both of these people were so impassioned by what they had written on their respective signs that it made me realize there is so much more to life than Diet Peach Snapple and knishes. So I quickly ran into a store and grabbed some supplies. I raced back out, scribbled the first thing that came into my mind and held the sign up high in the air for all to see.

I looked to my left: "Go! Get out of our Holy Land!"
I looked to my right: "Down with Palestine!"
I looked up at mine...

"Go Down on Sign Writing!"

-AJ

Newsflash!

Award winning coverage from the World's First Comedy-based Website!

-SS

A Place for my Things...

Dear Internet,

We've been through some tough times, hey remember Metacrawler... (Whimsical laughter)

But now I hate YOU! You are a land of unreasonable promises.

Full of "Free IPODS" and games where you “chase Brad Pitt around with a big pair of lips and if you kiss him, you WIN a Prize. I've locked lips with that son of a bitch a hundred times over. Where's my prize Mr. Pitt? Angelina doesn't make those kids waste their lunch break clicking flash animation.

I've done the "There's this totally random video on CollegeHumor..." run around. I still don't like that video where the cat gets his head chopped off. By watching these videos we are perpetuating the stereotype that all cats should be decapitated, and for the most part I don’t agree with that.

We had that moment, that shining month when I knew about Spark Notes and nobody else did. You suckers all bought the Cliff Notes, or even worse read the Book. Online they were free and the teachers don’t know them by heart.

I could gush all night on times of bliss and carnage, that first music video, bootlegs, virus, cookies, goatseed, cybersex,
chat room, tablatures, warez, SmarterChild, Live Feed, Webcam, download manager, java, flash, cheap cigarettes, .mp3, IM,
BBS, F.A.Q, URL, using equal signs and a B to make a penis. I look upon them all fondly. Except for goatseed.

But now I must destroy you!
The Truth shall be my Sword.
Grammar will be my shield.
My horse played upon a keyboard.
The role of my squire, Steve (to refill my water bottle full of instant lemonade.)

So once more unto the breach, dear friends.
We shall ride... we shall ride hard.
But not too hard, so as I might fall out of my chair.

-JC






The World's Smallest Computer.

The Apology

I am sitting in the meeting room at Kuju Junior High School in rural southern Japan. Across the table from me is a pudgy Japanese Charlie Chaplin look-alike, the principal of the school. We are bare-footed, drinking coffee, and pretending to have a conversation (to have a conversation in earnest two people must speak the same language). Somewhere between, "I live in New York City. I eat hot dogs there" and "Sean-san, I have a daughter you should meet. You can be my son" we get to discussing the wafer-light subject of religion. No one is Jewish in Japan, which is both a phenomenal band name and a little-known fact. In the midst of conveying my pseudo-Jewishness Principal Charlie Chaplin's face drops and his eyes glaze over with emotion. 

Dropping to a full bow he says, "Very very sorry for World War."

I am speechless is an understatement. I manage to string together, "Hey, don't worry about it." Which  is perhaps too nonchalant. Then I stare out the window at anything. Anything. 

And that is how Japan apologized to the Jews and officially ended World War II.

-SW

 

Race to the White House

"(Insert a japanese salutation later) to everyone!

From the the chain-linked fences of West Warwick Rhode Island to the great bubbling grease pits of Barrington Illinois, from the glass-speckled concrete lots of Jacksonville Florida to the dumpsters brimming with slimy sacks of silicone substitute in Santa Monica California.  It is this great nation that I first met in grade school when Mrs. Davenport, my first grade teacher, banged out a wicked rendition of Woody Guthrie's This Land is Your Land on her bedazzled autoharp. And it is this nation, this song, and this fine gaggle of comediennes that I wish to connect eternally in this inaugural post.

It is with great respect and honor that I compete with my fellow patriots in this great race. Andrew, a proven hero to this nation, stationed in Honolulu Hawaii for nearly two years in the late-nineties, a man who has served his country. Certainly my stint removing six-pack plastic seals from soccer mom's necks may be seen as a greater deed to our country than his daily diet of Aloha Burgers, Cherry Coke, and Goldeneye, but I am not the judge of this competition, the American people are. Or Justin, a man whose belt is made of the pages of the bible itself, undulating the good word with his every garish gait. And certainly least importantly, Stephen, the heiress himself, who's boyish grin and pastel pantsuits were power-walking to the front office only a few months ago. But now my friends, now things have changed. 

With change comes great responsibility. Responsibility for your land. For our land. This land was your land, but with these victories today, this land is destined to be my land.

It was only last Saturday that a native Utah man with a buzz cut told me that he could not understand my words since he 'doesn't speak ghetto.' And here, two days later, it seems that my voice has been heard. Things are going to change. Stephen tells me no one can make his aunt happy anymore and I say, 'Yes I can.' Justin wants to know if I could incinerate those incriminating photos of him and Haley Joel Osment and I say, 'Yes I can.' Andrew asks me if I can help him apply topical ointment to his blistering hemorrhoids and I say, 'Yes I can.' 

The American people ask me if I can be the leader they need in this time of... ahem... need and I say, 'Yes I can.' Being funny however, that we can only hope for."

-SW

Ahhh... future memories

I'm posting pictures we'll probably take in the future.

-JC

Learnin' New Words!

Horrendeuce:(noun) Feces; with extraordinary properties, most commonly an irregular shape or abhorrent stench.

EXAMPLE: After a night of heavy drinking, John Candy was apt to leave an Horrendeuce in the toilet of his favorite all-night diner.

(also found at www.addictionary.org)


-SS

Hold on to Your butts...

Greetings Friend(s)!

Congratulations, you are reading my first official forray into the world of uproarious bloggery! I bet when you woke up this morning, you couldn't imagine stumbling upon such an honor. Well, things are going pretty well for you, I think. It's finally all coming together in your life, no more sleepless, lonely nights! That's because this is only the first in a series of particularly hilarious posts. And by God, with your love and support my posts will be so hilarious they'll crush the spirits of my best friends and colleagues.

Why so ADVERSARIAL, you ask? Aren't you guys supposed to be a comedy TEAM, say you?

Well, the short answer to both is keep your nose out of my goddamned business, but since this is the first post, I think I should explain myself just a bit:

Yes, we are a comedy team in the sense that we write, perform, and sleep together. But we are not a team in the "all for one and one for all" sense, because we are constantly competing with each other to get the biggest laugh. This healthy spirit of competition is evident when we step over eachother's punchlines during live shows or when Justin pushed Andrew down two flights of stairs on his birthday. Though it's not about quick delivery and physical violence for me. For me it's about a miniscule sense of self-esteem, so much so that I cut myself every time one of their jokes kill, which unfortunately for me, is quite often. One time, Andrew was doing his famous Charles Durning impression for my Grandmother and he had her going so bad I had no choice but to go into the bathroom and cut off my pinky toe. I miss that little guy.

So in the interest of my health, I kindly ask that you read my posts twice as often as my friends Andrew, Justin, and Sean, and laugh a little bit harder when you do. Do it for me, Steve, the Gorilla with the lowest self-esteem (believe me, in this group that's saying something).

Warm Regards,

Stephen Sajdak


P.S. Okay, there's no real way for me to know whether or not you're reading or enjoying my posts more, so I suppose there's no reason to ignore the superior posts made by my colleagues. The only thing I do ask is that when you see me in person, you tell me how much the rest of the site sucks.